Ever After in 15 Minutes!
by Sadie Lovegood
Summary: Because every fandom needs a crappy 15 minute spoof! Enjoy...sorry this is so bad!


"**Ever After in 15 Minutes!"**

_**A/N: **__I was bored…don't bash me. I know it's bad and I know it defeats the purpose of the film, but bear with me, kay?I love the movie but have never written for this fandom before! Enjoy.

* * *

_

RANDOM OLD WOMAN: Once upon a time…

* * *

**10 Years Ago…**

_(AUGUSTE DE BARBARAC comes home with his new wife in tow)_

AUGUSTE DE BARBARAC: Welcome home! I don't know you at all, but you're so pretty, I'm glad I married you anyways!

RODMILLA DE GHENT: Me too. _(Snickers evilly to herself.)_

AUGUSTE: Where's my favorite daughter?

MARGUERITE & JACQUELINE DE GHENT: He-ey!

_(In runs DANIELLE, soaked in mud)_

DANIELLE: Daddy! I just beat up a boy and left him to rot in the mud!

GUSTAVE: Urg…

AUGUSTE: Atta girl! Meet your new mommy!

DANIELLE: A new mommy? Hooray!

RODMILLA: _(to herself)_ I hate you, bitch. Uh…I mean, hello Danielle, at last we meet!

AUGUSTE: Danielle, I brought you another book! _(hands __**Utopia**__ to Danielle)_

DANIELLE: THANKS!

RODMILLA: Where's MY present?!?! _(mutters)_ Bitch…

AUGUSTE: I'm here to stay forever.

**The Next Day…**

AUGUSTE: I lied, I have to go away. _(rides off and has heart attack) _

DANIELLE: PAPA!!!

AUGUSTE: I love you, Danielle, better than my wife… _(dies)_

RODMILLA: _(turns to Danielle) _Be afraid…be VERY afraid!

DANIELLE: gulp

* * *

**10 Years Later…**

_(At a castle where the King, Queen, and Prince Henry live…)_

HENRY: Waaaah! I don't wanna marry a hot, sexy Spanish princess!

KING: Too freaking bad, you pansy!

_(Henry runs away and steals Danielle's father's old horse)_

DANIELLE: THIEF! DUMBASS! DIEEE! _(chucks apple at Henry, who falls off horse with a single apple) _Oh god…I just used a Prince's head to make applesauce…

HENRY: I like applesauce…thanks…_(tosses a few gold coins at Danielle and rides away)_

**Back at home…**

MARGUERITE: I'm too sexy for you, old crone.

RODMILLA: Marguerite, wanna marry Prince Henry?

MARGUERITE: Yay!!!

JAQUELINE: What about me?

RODMILLA: I only had you because there'd be a plot hole if I didn't.

JACQUELINE: sobs

DANIELLE: Um, stepmother? Can I buy back the servant you sold?

RODMILLA: No, bitch.

**At court...**

_(Danielle dresses up as a courtier and goes to court to buy back the servant, Maurice, anyways) _

DANIELLE: Let him go!

CART DRIVER: NOOOOO! Nyah nyah nyah!

PRINCE HENRY: She's sexy! Let her servant go!

_(cart driver does)_

PRINCE HENRY: Do I know you?

DANIELLE: No. My names…um….Mom.

PRINCE HENRY: Okay, Mom! See you later! My dad's letting me find my own bride before the mask instead of marrying the hot, sexy, Spanish princess!

DANIELLE: Whoopdy-FREAKING-doo.

**At the house…**

DANIELLE: Here's Maurice!

PAULETTE & LOUISE: Yippee!!

RODMILLA: Danielle, you threw an apple at the Prince, you dumbass!

DANIELLE: I didn't recognize him!

RODMILLA: Bullshit.

MARGUERITE: Ima gonna be the Que-en!

JACQUELINE: sobs

**By a lake…**

HENRY: So, you're REALLY gay?

DAVINCI: Yeah. I don't think anyone will find out, though. I think it's fun to let people fight over that!

HENRY: What about your Last Supper painting?

DAVINCI: Mary Magadalene is sitting on Jesus' right hand. Yep.

HENRY: What about love?

DAVINCI: Urg….I'll get back to you on that…gotta go walk on water!

DANIELLE: _(swimming by) _YAAAARGHH!!!!

HENRY: Mom! Hiii!

DANIELLE: Henry…um….yeah, hi.

_(long pause…)_

DANIELLE: Okay, bye.

**In court…**

RODMILLA: So…where is he?

FREAKY LITTLE MIDGET GUARD: I'll tell you all.

RODMILLA: I think I love you, you creepy little dwarf!

FREAKY LITTLE MIDGET GUARD: Score!

MARGUERITE: _(picks up a necklace) _QUEENIE!

QUEEN: Yes?

MARGUERITE: You dropped this!

QUEEN: S'not mine.

MARGUERITE: Take it.

QUEEN: We'll talk later!

**In the woods…**

DANIELLE: So, you don't know where your castle is?

HENRY: Yeah. Plot hole, eh?

DANIELLE: Moron. _(gets naked and climbs up in tree) _There is it!

HENRY: Ohhh yeah, Momma! I mean…uh…GYPSIES! RUN!

GYPSIES: Argh…

HENRY: Oh my god…there really ARE gypsies!

_(Gypsies rob Henry)_

DANIELLE: Let him go, I want my stuff that isn't really mine back! And because you're killing my boyfriend, I want a horse too!

HENRY: um…why couldn't you just ask for me back?

DANIELLE: Plot hole. Far out.

GYPSY MAN: You can have anything you can carry!

_(Danielle picks up Henry and walks away) _

GYPSY MAN: Shit.

**At home again…**

DANIELLE: I made out with Hen-ry! I made out with Hen-ry at the gypsy camp!

_(Danielle catches Rodmilla trying a pretty white dress out on Marguerite) _

DANIELLE: MY MOTHER'S DRESS!!

MARGUERITE; Yo momma's dead.

_(Danielle punches Marguerite. Marguerite finds Danielle's Utopia book and chucks it in the fire.)_

MARGUERITE: Gimme the shoes!

DANIELLE: My book!

RODMILLA: Gimme the shoes and I'll buy you another one!

_(She does)_

RODMILLA: I lied, bitch.

JACQUELINE: Sobs

**At castle…**

HENRY: Mom's engaged to a BELGIAN even though Belgium doesn't exist yet?!?!

QUEEN: Rodmilla and Marguerite told me so. Those two are never wrong, you know.

HENRY: Aw crap! Now I gotta marry the hot, sexy, Spanish princess! I HATE MY LIFE!!!

**At the house…**

RODMILLA: I locked Danielle in the basement and left the dumbass servants to guard her, so let's go to the ball now!

MARGUERITE: I'm a peacock!

JACQUELINE: Sobs, I'm a fatty horsey.

MARGUERITE: Who are you, Mother?

RODMILLA: An asshole.

MARGUERITE: Go figure.

JACQUELINE: sobs

**At the ball…**

DAVINCI: Go dress as a guard, and I'll get Danielle to the ball, kay?

GUSTAVE: I love you…

DAVINCI: I'm gay, not a pedophile.

GUSTAVE: Bombs away! _(drops a flowerpot and kills Freaky Little Midget Guard while he takes a piss on the wall and puts on his clothes) _Hmm…maybe I should have killed someone with a neck….

**At the buffet table…**

LAURENT: Who-a! A GIRL fatty horsey! He-ey, baby! How firm are YOUR hooves?

JACQUELINE: sobs

**Back in the main ballroom…**

HENRY: I'm getting married to….

_(Danielle comes in as a beautiful butterfly) _

DANIELLE: I'm not engaged, but—

HENRY: I'd love you no matter who you were!

RODMILLA: She's my servant, Danielle!

HENRY: I hate you. _(runs away)_

DANIELLE: Damnit. I was supposed to have a happy ending! _(runs back home, dropping a slipper. Davinci picks it up and goes to Henry alone)_

DAVINCI: Bastard.

HERNY: What?

DAVINCI: Jackass.

HENRY: Why?

DAVINCI: She fucking loves you, you pansy ass! You don't wanna get married to the hot, sexy, Spanish princess, do you?

HENRY: No way in hell.

DAVINCI: Moron. _(lays slipper in Henry's sight and goes away, leaving him in the rain.)_

**At the house…**

RODMILLA: Danielle, I sold you.

DANIELLE: Go figure. Shoot me while I'm down.

RODMILLA: I live for it, bitch. You're le Pieu's slave now.

DANIELLE: So?

_(enter Le Pieu, an ugly old pedophile who's coming on 50 and still a virgin because he's creepy and ugly as hell)_

LE PIEU: You're gonna hold my sword, Danielle.

READERS: Take a second to get the innuendo.

DANIELLE: NOOOOO!!! NOT HIS SWORD!!!_(she gets shoved into Le Pieu's carriage and driven away)_

**Wedding hall in the Big Castle…**

_(enter: Hot, Sexy, Spanish Princess)_

HENRY: I hate my life.

HOT SEXY SPANISH PRINCESS: WAAAAAHHHH!

HENRY: Amen, sister.

HOT SEXY SPANISH PRINCESS: WAAAH!! WAAAHH!!

RODMILLA & MARGUERITE: Amen, sister.

HOT SEXY SPANISH PRINCESS: WAAAAH!!! WAAAH!!! WAAAAH!!!

PRIEST: Amen, sister!

HENRY: (laughing) I get what you mean. Get away from me and shake your huge boobs at you lover over there!

HOT SEXY SPANISH PRINCESS: Amen, brother! _(runs and starts kissing her Spanish lover…a not so hot, sexy Spanish peasant while Henry goes to find Danielle)_

**At the house…**

HENRY: Mom…I mean…Danielle?

MAURICE: She's been sold!

HENRY: To who?

JACQUELINE: Pierre Le Pieu. He's not very nice. Sobs

HENRY: Let's go. Looks like I gotta heroically rescue her!

LAURENT: He-ey! It's Fatty Girl Horse! What's new, Pussycat?

JACQUELINE: They couldn't have hired a cuter guy for the part. Sobs

**Le Pieu's Place…**

LE PIEU: How does my sword feel?

DANIELLE: Cold, sharp, and hard.

READERS: Cringe.

DANIELLE: Now let me go or I'll use your own sword to cut you in half!!

LE PIEU: Oh, fine.

_(Henry bursts in)_

HENRY: Let her go! I have a big sword!!

LE PIEU: Bigger than mine!

DANIELLE: Too late. He let me go.

HENRY: Crap. I should have asked that old crone by the brook for directions!

DANIELLE: Why are you here?

HENRY: You forgot your shoe…_(whips out shoe)_…oh yeah, and marry me too, Danielle?

DANIELLE: Say my name again!!

HENRY: Um…ok. Danielle!

DANIELLE: WHEEE!!!

**At the house…**

LAURENT: Baroness de Ghent and her daughters are requested to dress in style and to go to court immediately!

RODMILLA: Looks like Marguerite's gonna be Que-en!

MARGUERITE: Yeah!!!

JACQUEINE: Yeah, right.

LAURENT: Darlin' wazzup?

JACQUELINE: sobs

**At court…**

_(Rodmilla and Marguerite make a huge show coming in)_

KING: You lied to the Queen!

RODMILLA: Shit.

MARGUERITE: WHAAAAAT? OH MY GAWWWD!!! LIIIEEEERRR!!!

QUEEN: Marguerite, you suck too. Sorry.

MARGUERITE: Shit.

KING: You're both going to be shipped to the Americas to be eaten by Amazonian pygmies.

DANIELLE: Hold up!

HENRY: That's my wife now!

MARGUERITE: Double shit.

DANIELLE: All I ask is that they get treated as they treated me!

RODMILLA: What does that mean?

DANIELLE: Turnabout is fair play, suckah!

**The laundry room of the castle…**

HEAD WASHWOMAN: Wash this and that and this and that…

RODMILLA: This doesn't seem so bad…

HEAD WASHWOMAN: …and THAT!!

RODMILLA & MARGUERITE: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!

**A room in the castle…**

_(Davinci uncovers a painting of Danielle)_

DANIELLE: I look good!

HENRY: Psh…nawt.

DANIELLE: HE-EY!! Kiss me you fool!

HENRY: Wait, let's get over to the clichéd kissing window! _(they kiss)

* * *

_

RANDOM OLD WOMAN: The end!


End file.
